I've misplaced my good attitude

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If anyone asks me how it’s going, they’re likely to get a full-blown self-pitying saga complete with blubbering – or they’ll get “I don’t want to talk about it, let’s talk about you.”

Truth is, I'm pretty depressed. While I try to count my blessings (I’m eating well, walking around, still climbing the stairs, taking care of myself and doing the occasional laundry), I guess I had unreasonable expectations about getting well when I stopped chemo two weeks ago.

The first few days after the hospital showed hopeful improvement . . . the weight loss and diminished heart pounding when I climbed the stairs, for instance.

But then the “biting ants syndrome” in my legs returned and one thing’s led to another. (Last Tuesday, recall, my oncologist glibly diagnosed the itching as eczema and wrote me yet another prescription. I knew it wasn’t eczema and didn’t have it filled.)

Sitting or lying down for more than 15 minutes brings on the biting ants. This of course means reading, writing, or movie watching is done in 15- minute intervals. That’s not so bad during the day; there’s always something I can do around the house to keep me moving.

When it becomes a real problem is nighttime…sleeping. Having tried everything else, I’ve finally given in to a combination of pain pills and sleeping pills for a successful six hours of slumber each of the last two nights.

Unfortunately, I blame the pills for returning fluid retention – which for some reason is no longer relieved by water pills. Six of the fourteen pounds of water weight has returned.

Meanwhile, my now-puffy eyes continue to run, my nose bleeds, my hands feel as though they have no skin (they're so tender) and fingertips still threaten to shed their fingernails.

My hope is this will eventually just “go away” – but when I see lack of progress for a week, I naturally feel fearful. Beware of offering encouragement: I may bark at you.

I'm scheduled for IV antibodies (Herceptin for HER2/Neu cancer) on Tuesday, and of course I approach with trepidation. While it's not supposed to be as nasty as chemo, it still requires finding an IV vein and is preceded by two pre-meds to combat side effects, so how innocuous can it really be?

My venting is complete. I am going to try grocery shopping today. I know there are places to sit and rest along the way because I have often smiled kindly at little old men who rest upon their canes on those benches.